Edited by Kenneth Cotto
Photo courtesy of Getty Images
Chris Brown, an R&B artist and triple threat in music, acting and dancing allegedly acted out a fit of rage on his girlfriend, beautiful pop star Rihanna.According to an article in the London Times, Chris Brown is not alone; one in seven men believes it is ok to hit a woman.
Contrary to what many believe, there are people who think it is acceptable for a man to hit a woman. You can find the same mindset here in Grand Rapids. Bobby Clottman, 36, of Grand Rapids said he grew up witnessing his foster father abusing his foster mother.
"I believe that Chris Brown was just acting out what he learned in the home," Clottman said. "The way I was taught is that the man is over the woman by any means necessary."
Yirssi Bergman, president of Grand Rapids Community College's(GRCC) Women Now said, "Some men are emotionally immature and believe it's ok to hit a woman rather than respect her for being a woman."
There have been many media spins on why and how the Chris Brown action happened---so many, in fact, that I feel like I have been hit in the head by one of Brown's fists.
With this, there are many speculations and rumors: she gave him herpes; he was cheating, then Rihanna checked him on it. The latest one is that he came from an abusive upbringing himself, where he witnessed his mother being abused by his stepfather.
So far, the truth isn't out there yet. But the real truth is a man should never put his hands on a woman---period!
Being a father of three daughters, a son and a loving friend to a beautiful woman, I can't condone the unhealthy, twisted expression of Brown's love toward Rihanna. Who would ever think the young, charismatic R&B star would ever be investigated for domestic violence and making criminal threats to such a stunning woman like Rihanna?
President of The National Organization for Women, Kim Gandy, answered the question best two days after the incident, in her nationwide press release regarding the altercation:
"Whether you are rich or poor, famous or not, young or old--domestic violence does not discriminate."
The story of domestic abuse is closer to home than we think. GRCC student Virgia Hankins is living proof.
"When we first met he wasn't abusive, but it became worse and worse," Hankins said of a former boyfriend.
As Hankins and I stood out side GRCC's Raider Grill, time seemed to stand still as she relived her experiences. The strains of life and the abuse showed on her. The African American woman, a criminal justice major and mother of two daughters, told her story. Her body slightly shifted and contorted involuntary as she spoke about how anything would "set him off."
"Another man could speak to me or I could be out with the girls, this would set him off," Hankins said.
She didn't want to elaborate on what happened during those times, but the way she held her head down told the whole story.
"[During] the last episode, I thought he was going to kill me," Hankins said.
Finally fed up with her abuser after six years, she left in the middle of the night in her pajamas and called the police. Many women are not so courageous and fortunate to make it out.
According to the National Network to End Domestic Violence approximately 1,200 women a year--3 every day--die in the United States as a result of domestic violence.
"No one deserves to be hit in a relationship," Hankins said. "The first time you see it, you should get out."
Hankins is not as well known as Rihanna, but as a woman she, too, deserves respect. This made me wonder why Chris or any man would abuse a woman? Is there ever a good reason?
"Whether you are rich or poor, famous or not, young or old--domestic violence does not discriminate."
Hankins, who is articulate, persistent in her studies and a proud parent brought to mind those men cited by the London Times, and how something is seriously wrong with them.
Research shows abusers have common characteristics: they are possessive, jealous and controlling of their partners.
"He didn't want me to be me. He loved me as long as I was quiet and [was] doing what he wanted," Hankins said.
Hankins said her abuser is now imprisoned for his wrongdoings. The verdict is still out on Chris Brown. He turned himself in to the Los Angeles Police Department and is out on $50,000 bail. He has lost several endorsement deals because of the publicity. He did make a public apology, but I have to question whether he is really sorry.
In Hankin's case, the answer is clear about her abuser.
"I don't believe he'll change," Hankins said. "I still love him, but I can't accept the abuse."
What will Rihanna do? Her father, Ronald Fenty, has made a public statement regarding his daughter on ABC news.
"At some point, she will speak out," Fenty said. "I hope she will stand up for women all over the world."
As a father, I can empathize with the anger and disappointment Fenty must be feeling.
Hankins left her abusive relationship and stood up for herself. I hope Rihanna will stand up for herself.
As for Chris Brown, I hope he is truly sorry and learns to love women the right way ---as a loving, humane person and friend.
The bottom line: Famous or not, all women deserve respect, and it is never ok for a man to harm a woman.
Domestic Violence Statistics
- Only about half of domestic violence incidents are reported to police. African-American women are more likely than others to report their victimization to police. According to Lawrence A. Greenfeld. (1998). (Violence by Intimates: Analysis of Data on Crimes by Current or Former Spouses, Boyfriends, and Girlfriends. Bureau of Justice Statistics Factbook
Men perpetrate the majority of violent acts against women (DeLahunta 1997)
- In the National Violence Against Women Survey, approximately 25 percent of women and 8 percent of men said they were raped and/or physically assaulted by a current or former spouse, cohabiting partner, or date in their lifetimes. The survey estimates that more than 300,000 intimate partner rapes occur each year against women 18 and older. ( According to the Full Report of the Prevalence, Incidence, and Consequences of Violence Against Women)
- 17.6 percent of women in the United States have survived a completed or attempted rape. Of these, 21.6% were younger than age 12 when they were first raped, and 32.4% were between the ages of 12 and 17. (According to the Full Report of the Prevalence, Incidence, and Consequences of Violence Against Women, Findings from the National Violence Against Women).
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